Misery Stabilizers: The Comfort That Keeps Us Stuck
Most relationships don't end in one big fight. They wear down slowly, one small comfort at a time: a second glass of wine, another late night at the office, an hour on the phone in bed with your back to your partner.
What RLT calls "misery stabilizers"
In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), these are misery stabilizers: the things we turn to instead of turning to each other. Like a steam valve, they release just enough pressure to avoid a crisis, and keep the relationship stuck where it is. RLT sees them as a form of withdrawal. Until they're addressed, real intimacy stays out of reach.
Common ones: overwork, alcohol, screens, food, spending, constant busyness, or pouring your whole emotional life into the children.
Why they're hard to give up
They work. They give just enough relief to tolerate what you'd be better off facing. RLT calls this being "comfortable/miserable," and asks a blunt question:
---do you want comfort, or a great relationship?
Enduring is not relating
Most of us were taught to endure. For example, Chile where I live, and across Latin America, many stabilizers even look like virtues. The husband who works until 10pm is "a good provider." The mother whose life revolves around the kids is "devoted." Staying together for the kids can be love. It can also be a way to never face each other.
Relational maturity isn't the capacity to tolerate anything. It's the capacity to stay present and turn toward each other.
Where to start
Name what you reach for when things feel hard.
Ask what conversation it helps you avoid.
Cut back on one. If anxiety or depression surfaces, treat it; don't mask it.
If the dependency is significant, get professional help.
Turn toward your partner: "I've been checking out of us. I want to stop."
If you recognize yourself here, remember you can chose differently. If you want support, I offer a free 45-minute exploratory session. Book a time.
Source: Adapted from Terry Real's The New Rules of Marriage - https://terryreal.com/books/
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