People often ask me what Relational Life Therapy is, and why I chose to train in it. The short answer: it's the most honest, direct, and practical approach to relationships I've found. It doesn't just help people understand their patterns. It helps them change. Where RLT Comes From Relational Life Therapy (RLT) was developed by Terry Real, a family therapist and author of books including I Don't Want to Talk About It, The New Rules of Marriage, and Us. It is taught through th

Since 2008, first as an Ontological Coach for C-suite executives and now in my work with couples, partners and individuals, conversations about purpose often emerge. I've written mission statements for my own life for as long as I can remember, using many methods along the way. One has stayed with me since my years as a FranklinCovey trainer: Stephen Covey's personal mission statement, from Habit 2 of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "Begin with the End in Mind." Cove

I meet a lot of couples, partners and individuals who think something has gone wrong the moment their relationships leave harmony. It hasn't. Every relationship moves through three states, on repeat, for as long as the relationship lasts. Harmony — connected, attuned, on the same team. Disharmony — misunderstanding, defensiveness, the quiet distance that shows up when neither of you is quite yourself. Repair — where responsibility gets taken, needs get named, and you find yo

There's a moment in almost every client's healing process where you know intellectually that you shut down when you feel criticized, or that you go one-up the second you feel small — and still do it again tomorrow. That's because the part of you running the show in those moments isn't reasoning with you. It's protecting you, the only way it learned how, a long time ago. In Relational Life Therapy, we call that part the Adaptive Child (AC) — the self that formed its strategie

Here's something that changes how you fight, and how you love: every judgment you make about another person is data about you, not a verdict about them. Any judgment is a story about us. When you say somebody's bad for whatever reason, it's like something inside of you feels that. This gets reinforced later: any judgment that you pass is your opinion, and any judgment that you make outside is some sort of a reflection of what's happening inside — it's just us, it's our life h

I have done all five. So has every couple I've sat with. Relational Life Therapy names five patterns we fall into when we're hurt and only thinking about getting what we want in that moment — not what happens after. Needing to be right. Trying to control our partner. Getting even. Saying everything, however it lands. Going quiet and pulling away. None of these make us bad partners. They make us human. They're what we learned, long before we learned anything else. The problem

7 Primary Feelings: Joy, Pain, Anger, Fear, Shame, Guilt and Love Most of us grew up with a small emotional vocabulary: fine, fine, and fine. Maybe an occasional "angry" or "sad." But underneath those flat words lives a much richer landscape — one that Relational Life Therapy maps into seven primary feelings: Joy, Pain, Anger, Fear, Shame, Guilt, and Love. As a man, growing up I quickly learned I could only express Anger. I felt pain, I expressed anger. I felt shame, I expres

Most of what passes for an apology is really a request to stop feeling bad. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I said I was sorry, what more do you want?" These aren't repair — they're an exit from discomfort. Relational Life Therapy offers a sharper structure, and I'm sharing the attached chart because it changed how I think about repair. A real apology has four layers. First, own that you did it — specifically, without softening or explaining it away. Second, own that it's not

When Difficult Feelings Show Up, Don't Fight Them A few years ago I started practicing and using a simple practice with clients who feel flooded — by shame, anger, grief, whatever the moment brings. It's called RAIN, developed by psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach, and it's become one of the tools I return to most often in my own Relational Mindfulness practice, and to help my clients. The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and com

Our Wise Adult is always accessible to us. Post from Relational Life Foundation We all know the moment: your heart starts racing, your jaw tightens, your voice gets sharper or disappears completely. And just like that, your Wise Adult is offline. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT) & Coaching, we understand that when conflict hits, it’s often not you speaking, it’s an old adaptive strategy. The part of you that learned how to survive when you were growing up. That part is not on

Our Wise Adult Self, Reparents our Adaptive Child Self. In Relational Mindfulness, reparenting is the practice of noticing when our...

Am I listening to understand, or to react?” That small act of mindfulness can change the whole conversation. Listening may seem simple, but in relationships it makes all the difference. When we practice Relational Maturity, we recognize that not all listening is the same. The quality of our attention can either deepen intimacy or create distance. 1. Defensive Listening This is when we listen only to prepare our rebuttal. Instead of taking in what our partner is saying, we’re

When we turn complaints into clear requests, we show openness and invite our partners into deeper connection. Thanks to my clients for your curiosity in requesting more information on how to get what you need as you build and strengthen your Relational Maturity & Living practices. Many partners struggle not because their needs are unreasonable, but because they don’t know how to ask for them. Too often, requests come out sideways—as complaints, criticism, or silence—leaving e

A Time-Out pause allows you to take care of yourself and cultivate your bond with others. Terry Real developed and emphatically describes Time-Out a one the greatest relationship skills, which allows each of us to recenter, remember love, and build fierce partnerships. 1. Use the time out tool as a circuit breaker. A time out is a rip stop: it is the cord pulled to stop a runaway train; it’s a break, the thing used to HALT an interaction that either has crossed over into, or

One of the most viewed TED talks in history. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, renowned for her work on vulnerability, courage, empathy, and shame. Her TEDxHouston talk, The Power of Vulnerability, delivered in 2010, has become one of the most viewed TED Talks ever, with over 71 million views . Brené Brown: The Power of Vulnerability In this impactful presentation, Brown shares insights from her extensive research, emphasizing that embracing vu

Terry Real, Creator of Relational Life Coaching & Therapy Each of Terry Real 's books is a world. His books are filled with eye-opening...