The Many Ways We Listen

Am I listening to understand, or to react?” That small act of mindfulness can change the whole conversation.

Listening may seem simple, but in relationships it makes all the difference. In Relational Mindfulness, we recognise that not all listening is the same. The quality of our attention can either deepen intimacy or create distance.

1. Defensive Listening

This is when we listen only to prepare our rebuttal. Instead of taking in what our partner is saying, we’re scanning for what we disagree with. Defensive listening fuels arguments and blocks connection.

2. Selective Listening

Here we only hear the parts that confirm our own story. We might tune out our partner’s needs and zero in on a single word or tone. It feels like listening, but it keeps us stuck in our Adaptive Child, not our Wise Adult.

3. Empathic Listening

This is the practice of setting aside our defenses and tuning in with curiosity. We listen not to respond, but to understand. Empathic listening involves reflecting back what we hear, naming emotions, and checking if we got it right. It’s a practice of humility and openness.

4. Relational Listening

Beyond empathy, relational listening remembers love. It holds the big picture of the partnership and asks, “How can my listening right now make things better between us?” This type of listening requires accountability, vulnerability, and generosity.

The invitation is simple but profound: notice what kind of listening you are practicing. The shift from defensive or selective listening to empathic or relational listening can transform conflict into connection.

💡 Practice at home: 

The next time your partner speaks, pause. Breathe. Instead of rushing to defend, ask yourself: “Am I listening to understand, or to react?” That small act of mindfulness can change the whole conversation.