People often ask me what Relational Life Therapy is, and why I chose to train in it. The short answer: it's the most honest, direct, and practical approach to relationships I've found. It doesn't just help people understand their patterns. It helps them change. Where RLT Comes From Relational Life Therapy (RLT) was developed by Terry Real, a family therapist and author of books including I Don't Want to Talk About It, The New Rules of Marriage, and Us. It is taught through th

Since 2008, first as an Ontological Coach for C-suite executives and now in my work with couples, partners and individuals, conversations about purpose often emerge. I've written mission statements for my own life for as long as I can remember, using many methods along the way. One has stayed with me since my years as a FranklinCovey trainer: Stephen Covey's personal mission statement, from Habit 2 of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "Begin with the End in Mind." Cove

I meet a lot of couples, partners and individuals who think something has gone wrong the moment their relationships leave harmony. It hasn't. Every relationship moves through three states, on repeat, for as long as the relationship lasts. Harmony — connected, attuned, on the same team. Disharmony — misunderstanding, defensiveness, the quiet distance that shows up when neither of you is quite yourself. Repair — where responsibility gets taken, needs get named, and you find yo

There's a moment in almost every client's healing process where you know intellectually that you shut down when you feel criticized, or that you go one-up the second you feel small — and still do it again tomorrow. That's because the part of you running the show in those moments isn't reasoning with you. It's protecting you, the only way it learned how, a long time ago. In Relational Life Therapy, we call that part the Adaptive Child (AC) — the self that formed its strategie

Here's something that changes how you fight, and how you love: every judgment you make about another person is data about you, not a verdict about them. Any judgment is a story about us. When you say somebody's bad for whatever reason, it's like something inside of you feels that. This gets reinforced later: any judgment that you pass is your opinion, and any judgment that you make outside is some sort of a reflection of what's happening inside — it's just us, it's our life h

I have done all five. So has every couple I've sat with. Relational Life Therapy names five patterns we fall into when we're hurt and only thinking about getting what we want in that moment — not what happens after. Needing to be right. Trying to control our partner. Getting even. Saying everything, however it lands. Going quiet and pulling away. None of these make us bad partners. They make us human. They're what we learned, long before we learned anything else. The problem

7 Primary Feelings: Joy, Pain, Anger, Fear, Shame, Guilt and Love Most of us grew up with a small emotional vocabulary: fine, fine, and fine. Maybe an occasional "angry" or "sad." But underneath those flat words lives a much richer landscape — one that Relational Life Therapy maps into seven primary feelings: Joy, Pain, Anger, Fear, Shame, Guilt, and Love. As a man, growing up I quickly learned I could only express Anger. I felt pain, I expressed anger. I felt shame, I expres

Most of what passes for an apology is really a request to stop feeling bad. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I said I was sorry, what more do you want?" These aren't repair — they're an exit from discomfort. Relational Life Therapy offers a sharper structure, and I'm sharing the attached chart because it changed how I think about repair. A real apology has four layers. First, own that you did it — specifically, without softening or explaining it away. Second, own that it's not

Cuando aparecen emociones difíciles, no las combatas Hace algunos años empecé a practicar y usar una práctica simple con pacientes que se sienten sobrepasados/as — por vergüenza, rabia, pena, lo que sea que traiga el momento. Se llama RAIN, desarrollada por la psicóloga y maestra de meditación Tara Brach, y se ha convertido en una de las herramientas a las que vuelvo más seguido en mi propia práctica de Mindfulness Relacional, y para ayudar a mis pacientes. El acrónimo RAIN (

When Difficult Feelings Show Up, Don't Fight Them A few years ago I started practicing and using a simple practice with clients who feel flooded — by shame, anger, grief, whatever the moment brings. It's called RAIN, developed by psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach, and it's become one of the tools I return to most often in my own Relational Mindfulness practice, and to help my clients. The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and com

What the LGBTQ+ Community Already Knows About Relational Health So proud of this webinar with Lisa Rivers and Martin Lehman-Waldau. Thank you Relational Life Foundation for hosting this and other Community Conversations. Years ago, when I create Todo Mejora Foundation in Chile, I watched queer children and teenagers build the kind of relational skill most adults spend a lifetime avoiding. They named harm without flinching. They chose their families. They negotiated intimacy

Most of the people who come to see me are very good at managing their feelings. That is often part of the problem. Somewhere early, many of us learned that grief is something to get over, that fear is weakness (particularly for men), that despair is a malfunction to be corrected with the right mindset or supplement. These clients are competent. They cope. And underneath the coping is a thick layer of their life they have never been allowed, or allowed themselves, to actually

Our Wise Adult is always accessible to us. Post from Relational Life Foundation We all know the moment: your heart starts racing, your jaw tightens, your voice gets sharper or disappears completely. And just like that, your Wise Adult is offline. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT) & Coaching, we understand that when conflict hits, it’s often not you speaking, it’s an old adaptive strategy. The part of you that learned how to survive when you were growing up. That part is not on

Our Wise Adult Self, Reparents our Adaptive Child Self. En el Mindfulness Relacional , reparentarse es la práctica de notar cuando...

Our Wise Adult Self, Reparents our Adaptive Child Self. In Relational Mindfulness, reparenting is the practice of noticing when our...

Before using the wheel, pause and remember love. Many partners struggle with communication not because they don’t care, but because their words get lost in criticism, defensiveness, or confusion. The Feedback Wheel is a simple, powerful tool from Relational Mindfulness that helps us speak clearly, lovingly, and in a way our partner can truly hear. THE ROLE OF THE SPEAKER Step One: Remember the intention of The Feedback Wheel; you are using a winning strategy, speaking to make

¿Estoy escuchando para entender, o para reaccionar?” Ese pequeño acto de atención plena puede cambiar toda la conversación. Escuchar puede parecer algo simple, pero en las relaciones hace toda la diferencia. En la practica de la Madurez Relacional, reconocemos que no todas las formas de escuchar son iguales. La calidad de nuestra atención puede profundizar la intimidad o crear distancia. 1. Escucha defensiva Ocurre cuando escuchamos sólo para preparar nuestra respuesta. En v

Am I listening to understand, or to react?” That small act of mindfulness can change the whole conversation. Listening may seem simple, but in relationships it makes all the difference. When we practice Relational Maturity, we recognize that not all listening is the same. The quality of our attention can either deepen intimacy or create distance. 1. Defensive Listening This is when we listen only to prepare our rebuttal. Instead of taking in what our partner is saying, we’re

Cuando transformamos las quejas en pedidos claros, mostramos apertura e invitamos a nuestra pareja a una conexión más profunda. Muchas parejas no tienen problemas porque sus necesidades sean poco razonables, sino porque no saben cómo pedirlas. Muy a menudo, los pedidos se expresan de manera indirecta —como quejas, críticas o silencios— y eso deja a todos frustrados. Desde la Madurez Relacional practicamos transformar las quejas en pedidos claros y amorosos que construyen cone

When we turn complaints into clear requests, we show openness and invite our partners into deeper connection. Thanks to my clients for your curiosity in requesting more information on how to get what you need as you build and strengthen your Relational Maturity & Living practices. Many partners struggle not because their needs are unreasonable, but because they don’t know how to ask for them. Too often, requests come out sideways—as complaints, criticism, or silence—leaving e