The Feedback Wheel: Speaking So You Can Be Heard

Before using the wheel, pause and remember love.

Many partners struggle with communication not because they don’t care, but because their words get lost in criticism, defensiveness, or confusion. The Feedback Wheel is a simple, powerful tool from Relational Mindfulness that helps us speak clearly, lovingly, and in a way our partner can truly hear.

The wheel has four steps:

1. Share what happened. Describe only what a camera would see. Stick to behavior, not character. Example: “You walked out of the room while I was talking.”

   
   

2. Share the story you made up. We all interpret events. Say it out loud: “I told myself you didn’t care about what I was saying.”

   
   

3. Share your feelings. Use emotion words, not judgments: “I felt hurt and alone.”

   
   

4. Make a clear request. Keep it specific and achievable: “Next time, could you let me know if you need a break before leaving the room?”

Why does it work? The Feedback Wheel slows us down, keeps us grounded in our own experience, and makes it easier for our partner to understand without feeling attacked. It shifts us from complaint to request, from blame to vulnerability.

💡 Practice at home: 

Before using the wheel, pause and remember love. Your intention is not to “win” or prove your partner wrong—it’s to repair and reconnect. Try it out with something small. As you both get more comfortable, you’ll have a reliable way to talk through even the hard stuff.

Healthy relationships aren’t free of conflict. They’re built on the courage to be honest, the skills to listen, and the willingness to repair. The Feedback Wheel gives us a way to do just that.