How to Ask for What You Need in Relationships

When we turn complaints into clear requests, we show openness and invite our partners into deeper connection.

Thanks to my clients for your curiosity in requesting more information on how to get what you need as you build and strengthen your Relational Living practices.

Many partners struggle not because their needs are unreasonable, but because they don’t know how to ask for them. Too often, requests come out sideways—as complaints, criticism, or silence—leaving everyone frustrated. In Relational Mindfulness, we practice transforming complaints into clear, loving requests that build connection rather than conflict.

The first step is to speak from the “I.” Instead of saying, “You never think about me,” try, “I feel cared for when you call if you’re running late.” This shift removes blame and centers what you truly want.

The second step is to be specific and concrete. Vague requests like “be more thoughtful” don’t give your partner a clear path to succeed. Specific requests—“please give me a hug before you leave in the morning”—are measurable and achievable.

The third step is to let go of the outcome. A request is not a demand. Partners always have the right to say no, or to negotiate. Success lies not in hearing “yes,” but in showing up honestly and relationally.

And finally, when you are the listener, your job is to hear, reflect, and acknowledge—not to argue or defend. Think of yourself as at the “customer service window,” helping your partner feel understood.

Making requests in this way is an act of courage and love. It honours your own needs while strengthening the relational bond you share with your partner.

💡 Practice at home: If you are already working with me, this is your invitation to try these tools between sessions. If you are new, consider booking a session to explore how Relational Mindfulness can help you create stronger, more connected partnerships.