Here's something that changes how you fight, and how you love: every judgment you make about another person is data about you, not a verdict about them. Any judgment is a story about us. When you say somebody's bad for whatever reason, it's like something inside of you feels that. This gets reinforced later: any judgment that you pass is your opinion, and any judgment that you make outside is some sort of a reflection of what's happening inside — it's just us, it's our life h

I have done all five. So has every couple I've sat with. Relational Life Therapy names five patterns we fall into when we're hurt and only thinking about getting what we want in that moment — not what happens after. Needing to be right. Trying to control our partner. Getting even. Saying everything, however it lands. Going quiet and pulling away. None of these make us bad partners. They make us human. They're what we learned, long before we learned anything else. The problem

7 Primary Feelings: Joy, Pain, Anger, Fear, Shame, Guilt and Love Most of us grew up with a small emotional vocabulary: fine, fine, and fine. Maybe an occasional "angry" or "sad." But underneath those flat words lives a much richer landscape — one that Relational Life Therapy maps into seven primary feelings: Joy, Pain, Anger, Fear, Shame, Guilt, and Love. As a man, growing up I quickly learned I could only express Anger. I felt pain, I expressed anger. I felt shame, I expres

Most of what passes for an apology is really a request to stop feeling bad. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I said I was sorry, what more do you want?" These aren't repair — they're an exit from discomfort. Relational Life Therapy offers a sharper structure, and I'm sharing the attached chart because it changed how I think about repair. A real apology has four layers. First, own that you did it — specifically, without softening or explaining it away. Second, own that it's not

Cuando aparecen emociones difíciles, no las combatas Hace algunos años empecé a practicar y usar una práctica simple con pacientes que se sienten sobrepasados/as — por vergüenza, rabia, pena, lo que sea que traiga el momento. Se llama RAIN, desarrollada por la psicóloga y maestra de meditación Tara Brach, y se ha convertido en una de las herramientas a las que vuelvo más seguido en mi propia práctica de Mindfulness Relacional, y para ayudar a mis pacientes. El acrónimo RAIN (

When Difficult Feelings Show Up, Don't Fight Them A few years ago I started practicing and using a simple practice with clients who feel flooded — by shame, anger, grief, whatever the moment brings. It's called RAIN, developed by psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach, and it's become one of the tools I return to most often in my own Relational Mindfulness practice, and to help my clients. The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and com

Most of the people who come to see me are very good at managing their feelings. That is often part of the problem. Somewhere early, many of us learned that grief is something to get over, that fear is weakness (particularly for men), that despair is a malfunction to be corrected with the right mindset or supplement. These clients are competent. They cope. And underneath the coping is a thick layer of their life they have never been allowed, or allowed themselves, to actually

Our Wise Adult is always accessible to us. Post from Relational Life Foundation We all know the moment: your heart starts racing, your jaw tightens, your voice gets sharper or disappears completely. And just like that, your Wise Adult is offline. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT) & Coaching, we understand that when conflict hits, it’s often not you speaking, it’s an old adaptive strategy. The part of you that learned how to survive when you were growing up. That part is not on

Our Wise Adult Self, Reparents our Adaptive Child Self. In Relational Mindfulness, reparenting is the practice of noticing when our...

Am I listening to understand, or to react?” That small act of mindfulness can change the whole conversation. Listening may seem simple,...

When we turn complaints into clear requests, we show openness and invite our partners into deeper connection. Thanks to my clients for...